Quick tips to survive the Zombie Apocalypse
Argh! The dead have risen, and are reaping their enhungered revenge on the living. Munching brains, flesh and eyeballs as rare as a burger in an episode of Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares, these mindless shuffling hordes will slowly hunt down everything in their wake.
What do the remaining humans do? Where do we turn for protection, and what should we do? First, let’s quickly add to the scenario with the precise type of zombie we’re thinking of. Indeed, there have been so many iterations of zombie,each developing their own lore, that it shouldn’t be assumed what type we mean. We’ve had zombies ranging from the slow moving hordes of Night of the Living Dead, to the GI zombies from some of the more action based resident evil games. I’m thinking much more the former than the latter. No running, no guns, no communication, just mindless and unending hunger for human flesh. Whatever the cause of the infection, it’s spread by a single bite, causing the victim to become a zombie too.
With this in mind, what measures could we put in place to stop ourselves joining the horde? Here are a few things to consider when you’re trying to keep your brain in your skull!
You can run, but you can’t hide.
Okay, that title may be a little misleading. Sure you can hide, but only after adequate running. The type of relentless zombie that i’m talking about are frankly rather easy to outrun. You could, though it isn’t advised, outrun them on foot pretty easily. The main point is, though hiding, unless behind a large fortification, is likely to cause the relentless hordes to relentlessly try to get to you, no matter how well you think you’ve constructed a defense, zombies act in the way that the sea does with a rock; it may do very little damage immediately, but over time it will wear it down.
That isn’t to say though that i’m endorsing a fully nomadic lifestyle, probably the opposite in fact. Being reliant on fuel is very, very bad. Even if you luck out and find a large supply of it, that is, for obvious reasons, going to put you at huge risk of attack by other survivors.
According to the Zombie Research Society, Australia is the safest place to be in the event of a zombie apocalypse. The society found that the land down under provided adequate space to run away from zombies, whilst having a really low population density to boot.
So fire up the barbie, spread some Vegemite, and throw your boomerangs in jubilant celebration, because you’ll probably live to see another day, whilst the rest of the world goes the way of the dodo.
Guns, crossbows, they’re all well and good, but when it comes to the zombie apocalypse, you need to be prepared for every situation. To reflect this, you should have weapons available to you that can deal with both long and short range. In the event of the zombie apocalypse, ammo is likely to be in high demand. We’ve all been playing a resident evil game, and ended up having to knife a boss because you wasted the little ammo you had seeing of that crow in the tree was killable (they are). You need a good contingency for when you do run out. The Walking Dead seemed to address this issue when Daryl Dixon used a crossbow. It’s a good idea in principle. You can simply go and retrieve the bolts once all the zombies are dead. But what if you simply don’t have enough bolts in the first place? Relying on the crossbow entirely could result in you having to abandon the bolts you’ve just mowed down a row of zombies with, leaving you defenseless. Mix it up a little, one part baseball bat, one part Magnum, one part spear. The choices are near limitless!
Zorb it up
I’m not taking the piss. As soon as the zombie apocalypse hits the UK, i’m getting myself down to the nearest Zorb activity centre. For those who don’t know, a Zorb is essentially a human sized hamster ball. You can probably see why this may be useful in the zombie apocalypse; it allows you to travel without the immediate risk of being grabbed and bitten by the zombie menace. It makes for a great way to travel short distances in relative safety. Forget the huge zombie crushing, custom 4x4’s, get yourself a Zorb!
Home Sweet Home
Home is where the heart is. Or in the event of the zombie apocalypse, you’re hoping as much of you as possible is able to make it back there each day. It’s difficult to say exactly where you should base yourself as it is hyper-specific to each area. For a rule of thumb though, I would say avoid inner cities. They offer a good amount of supplies, but are likely to have lots of zombies given their high pre-infection populations. Not only that, but other people are likely to be wanting to get their hands on the supplies that the inner city offers.
The countryside then may seem more appealing. But, unless you’re able to run a subsistence lifestyle on a small farmstead, you’re likely going to need to venture to the city quite often anyway.
The best option is a halfway-house. Something that is rural enough to keep the zombie population low, but high enough to mean that there may be some supplies locally.
In journalism, I was taught the phrase “If your Mother tells you she loves you, check it out”. The phrase alludes to how necessary fact-checking -should be- in journalism. It’s a good adage to remember though incase of a zombie apocalypse. The old system has broken down, and people’s reptilian survival-instinct is likely to be kicking in. Pre-infection behaviour is likely to have been tossed out the window. Imagine the unbridaled panic that would infect the British if queuing stopped existing - unspeakable!
Be aware that people always have agendas, it’s just often they don’t have the need to smash your head in for them to achieve their goals. In the post-law world of zombies, we can only expect the worst of people in order to improve our own chances of survival.
What are your tips for surviving the zombie apocalypse? Let me know what you think, and if you would make any changes to my plans!