The Worst and Best Wish Masks
I wasn’t really sure what to expect when I logged into Wish.com, looking for horror masks. But now I know what I got. Today, let’s wade through the good, the bad, and the… phallic… horror masks you can get on Wish.com!
Wish upon a bloodied star
Just in case you’ve never heard of it, Wish.com is a place where you can buy things dirt cheap - like ridiculously cheap. So, how is that possible, you may be asking? It’s all about compromise. You see, Wish doesn’t necessarily always bear the hallmark of quality, but that has lead to some thoroughly entertaining things appearing on there - have a look at Stuart Ashens’ series about it for examples.
The other, more boring reason why things tend to be cheap on Wish, is that they come straight from China, where the products are made. As such, you can be waiting a little while for anything you ordered to actually arrive. So long in fact, that people I know who have ordered from it have forgotten they’d placed an order in the first place by the time their item has arrived.
For potentially rather obvious reasons, we’re going to start with the “bad” category.
You know there’s a whole art to taking photos to show the best of a product? Tv adverts which show food which looks to scrumptious to be real? Yeah, Wish doesn’t really do that stuff. Here are the 5 worst examples I could find as I scanned through Wish.com, and believe me, this list could have been an awful lot longer.
Did you know, Momo is going to be big news again soon? Not like the hayday, when parents were screaming in terror at the thought of Momo springing out of their children’s cell phones to get them, rather than splashing their credit cards out on CandyCrush, or something else sensible like that. So, anyways, with the Momo movie coming out soon, you can expect Momo stuff to fly off the shelves. Atleast, perhaps not Wish’s option.
This version of Momo needs to get out in the sun a little more. Gone are the days of that pinkish complexion we’ve come to recognise. She’s now a pasty, white colour. Her lips seem to have perhaps a little too much detail on them, compared to the original, looking more like an Earthworm than something that would be connected to a face. It suffers as well from having to be able to accommodate a human face, which means that the once flattened knows of the bad-photoshop-job original is now pointed, making it look really odd in profile. The thing that gets me most though are the eyes. In this particular example, the eyes look really rather silly and cartoonish. It’s hard to think of anyone who would find this scary, unless the Daily Mail reading parents are out stalking the streets - and let's be honest, they probably are somewhere, looking for the next illogical things to be terrified about.
PRICE AT TIME OF SEARCH: £8~ $9.75
Growing up, playing Resident Evil 3 was about as scary as anything could get. I borrowed the game from a friend, and felt compelled to complete it as quickly as possible. The fixed camera angles made the game that much scarier, but whenever Nemesis was around, things got so much worse. The towering, lipless zombie stomping around bellowing “Stars” as he did was a genuinely rather scary thing at age 6 - not even mentioning when he burst through walls. Just typing that, I got hit with a beautiful wave of nostalgia. Breathing it all, I then glanced back at my right-hand monitor. Aaand Wish just ruined it.
I mean, just look at this thing. It looks like a potato that went befriended some earthworms and convinced them to live inside it. The photo Wish is using does it no favours at all, making it look awfully shiny, cheap and latexy. All the things which Nemesis wouldn’t stand for. Probably. I have to say that at least the concept of the mask to anyone who hasn’t seen Nemesis may be enough to have you not laughed away from the doorstep whilst Trick-or-Treating, but to those of us in the know, this is rather a funny sight to behold. But seriously, just look at the price and tell you couldn’t buy or make better for that. Even a Poundshop Ghostface mask at least has the basic, simple appeal.
Still, it could all be a lot worse. You could buy this one instead.
This time, the potato is mashed, lost all form, and it just makes this formidable character look really really sad. I just want to give him a hug, although that may turn out to be a bad idea…
PRICE AT TIME OF SEARCH: MASK 1 £27 ~ $33
MASK 2 £22 ~ $26.76
Hey guys, when you’re all storming area 51, why not dress up as an alien so they just carry you back inside once all the losers have fallen foul of their Sci-Fi weapons? That’s the 1000 I.Q plan there, people. But perhaps you should go a little more upmarket than Wish.coms disguise.
The expression on this alien is somewhere between existential crisis and abject disappointment. Perhaps they’re linked. As they go, on the surface this doesn’t look so bad. The rubber skin has details on it, with a forehead as furrowed as Gordon Ramsay’s, and too many wrinkles for even the best Hollywood surgeon to fix. But the BIG problem with this mask is the size of it.
Look at how it devours the models head. I imagine there’s enough excess there for the rubber to make that awful squeaking noise that only cheap, ill fitting horror masks can achieve.
PRICE AT TIME OF SEARCH: £9 ~ $11
The film may have received mixed reviews, but I think there is generally an increase in interest in the character Venom, be it the comic version, or any further cinematic adaptations. Whatever you thought of the film, though it didn’t deserve this.
Tell me honestly, if I had labelled this section Orcaman, or something similar, would you have gone along with it? I think I might have. This mask lacks the real form of Venom’s head, leading to to look much more like a killer whale than a killer symbiote. They have made an effort to give it some kind of texture though. Obviously this wasn’t going to be entirely realistic, but the material just drags it down so it looks like tat. Another one to avoid.
PRICE AT TIME OF SEARCH: £20 ~$24.30
New Chucky was controversial. Long-time fans of the series were upset by the sudden change to the way the homicidal spirit’s host-doll looked. But imagine if Wish had bought the film rights. It could have been a lot worse.
I think the thing I like best about this mask is the way in which the eye sockets behind the dolls eyes are huge. Anyone wearing this would have their actual eyes on full display. It kind of ruins the illusion a little, don’t you think? Although, if you have this mask i’m not entirely sure what illusion you’re trying to create. I can’t speak to material, but this mask looks really thin, like a strong breeze may tear the Chucky mask from your face, which no one needs on Halloween night.
PRICE AT TIME OF SEARCH: £11 ~ $13.40
So ends the Bad portion of this list, but I want to praise Wish for some of the masks they have which genuinely don’t look too bad. Obviously, I can’t speak to their actual quality having not bought any of them, so take that with a block of salt.
I’m a sucker for Plague Doctor masks. Perhaps that’s why this has made the list where others may not have.
This thing doesn’t look too sturdy, but the overall design is really rather good. I like the bevilles, along with the strap fixing. The eyes are just a small bonus. If you’re in the market for a plague doctor mask, I'd still recommend looking elsewhere, but for Wish, this really isn’t bad at all.
PRICE AT TIME OF SEARCH: £25 ~ $30.40
The quality of the material is going to make a lot of difference with this next mask, which as I said is something I can’t attest to. So we’re going to only talk about what we can see.
This bloody Zombie does look rather good. I like the detailing to it, the grooves, the scars, spatters, and boils all go to make this a visually interesting mask. The contrast in colour between the bloody red and the pale skin of the zombie are striking. But what I like most is the mouth. It’s a little Mushroomhead like, with no discernable lips or indeed anything that may make it look a bit more like a mouth. Imagine if Neo in the Matrix had got zombified in that brief interlude where his mouth got sealed up by the agents. This is what he might end up looking like.
PRICE AT TIME OF SEARCH: £11 ~$13.40
Purge style mask
The Purge has always had fairly simple masks, and that’s what’s made them rather iconic so quickly. It seems even Wish couldn’t screw that ethos up.
I’m unsure if this mask ever appeared in the films, but it certainly looks straight out of one of them. It’s a beautiful blend of simple design and slight decay. The simple features allow the eye to wander up towards the faux hand-written “Kiss me” on the forehead. As a mask, it simply looks really cool. Do more of those, Wish, yeah?
PRICE AT TIME OF SEARCH £25 ~ $30.40
Now, I know I mentioned phallic earlier. For probably rather obvious reasons, i’m not going to be posting any pictures of those masks here. But, if you’re so inclined to, have a look and see what I mean.
I don’t mean to be too harsh with these masks, I know somewhere along the line, someone has put some work into them all. But I really think there are much better places to go for all budgets.
If you’ve had a look through Wish, are there any masks I missed which you think are particularly good or bad? Let me know!
Also, if you’re interested in horror masks, you may be interested in this Top 5 Horror mask list I created. Bet you can’t guess who’s at number one! SPOILERS, it’s none of the Worst of Wish ones!