Why it's time to embrace the Mongolian Death Worm as the godly cryptid it is.
Bigfoot? forget it. Aliens? Pfft. I want my cryptid long, tubular, bald, and deadly. No, this isn’t some kind of poorly written erotic novel,this is an ode to the Mongolian Death Worm. Living in the Gobi desert, the Mongolian Death Worm, MDW, is every bit the cryptid that the world needs. Here are 5 reasons why you should smash your bigfoot footprint collection, vaporise your UFO reports, and hoover up the ectoplasm from your ghost research.
Number one: It’s called the Mongolian Death Worm.
They weren’t pissing about when they named this thing. They looked at the raw essence of the ferocious beast and thought three main things: Where does it live? Mongolia. What will happen to me if I see it? Death. What does it look like? A Worm. With a name like an angsty black metal band, you can bet that this god-amongst insects is the most dangerous thing on the planet.
Number two: It can kill you from a distance.
Can bigfoot kill you from yards away? Possibly, with rocks, primitive tools, or it’s Barry Manilow collection. Can a MDW kill you at a distance? Yes, easy peasy. It kills you at a distance for breakfast. Some say it’s venom, others electricity, whatever it is, you’re not safe just because you’re not next to it.
Number three: It’s an evolutionary marvel.
What has evolution ever done for us? Sure we can walk upright, think, communicate, breathe with complex lungs, but isn’t that all just a bit overrated? Look at the MDW, it’s a pink tube, reminiscent of a discarded wiener, with a mouth at the end. What more do you need? The rest is just ostentatious, unnecessary, and quite honestly I think they could learn a lot from the plucky worm that could.
Number 4: It’s like, 4 ft long.
Now, there’s not hard facts about the size of the MDW, but it’s said to range from 2-5 ft in length which, I think we can all agree, is pretty big for a worm. Not only that, but this beast is thick. It’s a wonder that so few people see them,isn’t it?
Number 5: It loves yellow
Excuse me, Squatchers and UFOlogists, but what’s your cryptids favourite colour? You don’t know? Maybe you should have asked them- that’s just bloody rude. Mine? Oh, well the MDW has an attraction to yellow. That makes birthdays a walk.in.the.park.
So there we have it. If you’re convinced that the Mongolian Death Worm is worth discarding all other cryptids for, then quite clearly there’s something majorly wrong with your cryptid choices, and you should probably see a specialist or something.
Disclaimer: there is a possibility that the Mongolian Death Worm does not actually exist, and so the above information may be based on fiction. In this event, I regret any possible infatuation with the Death Worm that may occur, and I will not be held liable for any broken hearts when it fails to live up to expectations.